Yella you Aunty, yes YOU!

7 Feb

We decided to braai the other night. We don’t need any kind of occasion or reason to do it; sometimes it’s just what’s on the menu for dinner. Especially when The QS opens his pie hole  with a smart ass comment and is then forced to braai because I won’t cook dinner and Hookabrutha has been scheming all day sending out pictures of braai’s. And these 2 call themselves busy at work.  Anywho, I stopped off at the Shell station on my way home to pick up some stuffs.

The shopping list was: coals and firelighters. You’d think quick sticks in and out the “convenience” shop, 5 minutes max. Ya right, in the real world maybe. I jumped out my speedy red Ferrari, left it running nogal, gathered the coals and lighter fluidy stuff (these people don’t know how to braai, they have this liquid stuff) some water and a Chuppa Chups sucker. And we wait, in the “que” as there is no concept of queing here, of only 2 people but each with about 10 little Laban bottles, crappy take out coffee, biscuit type things and this cake slices that you buy in the stores here, plain RANK!

Now this Aunty behind the counter is so slow, if she was any slower she would be going in reverse. Beep, beep, beep, as she scans each and every little bottle of friggin’ Laban through (scan ONE and multiply it on your clever little cash register there, surely!?) FINALLY it’s my turn, and someone jumps in front of me. Now I’m not in the mood for games so I’ll politely tell them to take a TICKET AND STAND IN LINE MOFO! He moves (being blonde and a chica in the desert does sometime help).  

She rings the water, coals, liquidy lighter stuff and then she gets to the sucker. 1st she asks me, “do you want it?” (now let me think about that, well, no, I just put it here on the counter so I can stand here and stare at it – of course I want it)! She scans it. It won’t scan. Aunty tries again. Still won’t scan. She says, “You can’t have it.” (Um, sorry what, I just told you I want the sucker!? Punch the bar code in ya lazy Aunty!) Negative, she won’t. So I take another one, and it scans. Result. We’re getting somewhere. I then ask, in my pure and clear South African accent, “May I please have a box of Marlboro Menthol.” Now what comes next happens EVERY TIME, each and every blessed time. They touch the Marlboro Lights and look at you like it’s a game. “No, Menthol please.” Touch the Marlboro Filter. By this stage my blood pressure starts rising – “the GREEN box”. And thank God we’re not colour blind, and we get a green box of ciggies. At this point I’m ready ravage the box and start choeffing away in the store. I can hold out, should be outta here in no time at all.

I give her my debit card. “No”, she tells me. What do you mean no. “No machine” she says. Are you fucking kidding me? She points me to the ATM. Off I go. Enter Aunty number 2 at the machine – we’re looking at 5 mins plus here to draw cash – card in machine, card out machine, card in machine, car out machine. And I wait, patiently. Eventually she moves along and I get some cash out.

Aaaaand back to the counter. And I have to endure the painful process again, minus the asking for the GREEN box of cigarettes, we now have those. I grab the coals and water, chuck the ciggies and lighter fluid in my hand bag and by this stage, her little helper friend is putting the Chupa Chups sucker in a plastic bag. Just the sucker. Oh dear GOD please help me. WOOOOSA. Deep breath. I grab the sucker, minus the plastic bag as it’s bad for the environment and exit the convenience store.

As I’ve mentioned before, living in the Middle East comes with the good, the fab and the ugly. This is just one of those naaasty little instances that makes up a good portion of day to day life here. I just wish that everyone could inject a little energy into their day, you know, get your MOJO on Aunty! Let’s get moving here, crack a smile, have some lust for life and get me the hell outta this shop!

What should have taken 5 minutes, took 25 minutes. True story.

 Miss M x


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