The Braai Master

25 Jan

*If you’re not Saffa, Say what!? will be required.

I’m just going to get this out the way – a braai is a braai. Not a barbeque, BBQ, grill, Barbie, braaier or any other term you wish to call it. The only other acceptable term is braaivleis – halas. Wikipedia even got this wrong – a picture with a caption reading, “a typical braai on a small braaier”. This is such a fail. I’m cringing for these Wiki wiki people. But I’m glad we sorted this one out, you now know what a braai is my peach.

South African’s invented the braai and we’re very proud of our invention, otherwise without it, God’s green Earth would not have made it to the 21st century. We even have a National Braai Day – love it. It is a process of cooking meat such as lamb chops, steak, chicken, boerewors, spare ribs etc (never fear vegetarians, there are veggie options for you too), on a grid that is placed over hot coals. Not gas – coals. You can make your coals literally from a bag of charcoal, Charka is your best bet here, or from lighting fire wood and letting it burn down to blistering coals, this is the good old fashioned way. Not from a gas bottle, be authentic. You need a degree in braaing to braai, so much to take in here and this is not a “how to” class. So… moving along swiftly…

We had a braai the other night and as always it was delish. The QS knows how to man a braai and cook possibly the best braaivleis I ever did have. And this is just it. There will always be a Braai Master at a braai… and his sword is his tongs. Don’t take the tongs my peach – not now, not ever, you have to be passed the tongs from the Braai Master. Just don’t go and overstep this boundary, it’ll be embarrassing if you do.

Saffa men just love braaing, and if you don’t love it then you’re blood is not green. Simple. They have this whole “man make fire” thing going on and the absolute necessity to burn something, like a meat type something. I’m surprised there’s not some form of ritual and braai dance that takes place prior to lighting their braai, because once that fire is lit, they enter the braai zone.

This is a seriaaas Braai Master. I have no words.

From the point of the fire being lit they will all stand around the fire, sometimes staring into it zoned out. All will have beer in hand. The braai master has beer and tongs in hand – and they actually all secretly stand there wishing for the tongs to be in their grubby little paws. TPH (The Perfect Human) is this guy. He loves those blerry tongs. The discussion generally centers itself around how awesome they are, how big their dicks are and that they’re golf pro’s.

Boerie braai!?

The ladies will toss a salad together and my potatoe salad if I’m feeling peachy and will then resume position at the outside table, chit chatting away whilst sipping on their favourite bottle of red, or white for that matter. In summer it’s fab to sip on a nice, ice cold spritzer, delish. In fact, it could even be papsak you use for your Spritzer. This conversation is centered on current affairs, the effects of global warming… um naaat! This is censored information. Sorry for you.

The braai master will go forth and be fabulous and cook all the meat whilst everyone is sipping on their bevvies. By the end of the eve you would’ve had a great feed, some good laughs and banter and possibly be slightly tipsy as at a braai you usually eat a WHOLE lot later than anticipated. How much later you ask!? I’d say a bottle of vino later, fantastic.

Enjoy your dop’s and chops peaches!

Miss M x


3 Responses to “The Braai Master”

  1. Tracy January 26, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    I am married to a BraaiMaster Brett x Love him. First braai I went to, I thought oh lovely a BBQ (yes, I’m a Brit) I’m famished, whats on the grill. Well, food was not on the grill thats for sure…lots of men standing around a fire, looking at said fire…not a lot of braai-ing happening!!! Nobody told me that a Saffa braai was an all afternoon and evening event!!! Had I known how long I would have to wait for a bit of chop – I would have bloody well eaten before going to the braai!!!!! So now I just Dop and forget the chop cos by the time its ready I’m on liquids only LOL!!!

    • Miss M January 26, 2011 at 8:08 pm #

      Hilarious! You are most certainly know the in’s and out’s of a braai being married to a Saffa Braai Master – ha! xxx

  2. David June 25, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    I find it funny you say a Braai is not a bbq and you are right. It is a Grill as is a braai. So essentially you are grill masters. Higher heat for less time. A bbq is a smoker or pit. Purveyors of this trade are commonlty called pit master. Low and slow is the name of the game. usually taking 7-10 hours to cook briskett ribs etc at temps of 225-250.

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